There's a child in everyone

I was having a conversation over dinner the other day with my dad and suddenly out of nowhere he came up with a this question:

"Do you think of yourself as an adult or as a child?"

"Pfft, an adult, of course." I answered.

Upon hearing my answer, he laughed.

HE. LAUGHED.

I was confused. Why was he laughing? I could think of only two reasons, one, there's something funny on my face or two, he thinks my answer's absurd. I checked my face for any embarrassing stuff like some snot or rice dangling from my nostril, but no. My face was normal. So it had to be the latter.

He thinks i am not worthy of the title "adult".

Then i started judging myself in my head. I am 19 and i live in this big city all by myself. I pay for my own food, my own bills, my own transportation, you name it. I am not in high school anymore and i settle my life dramas on my own, unlike five years ago where i would cry over the phone and spill my problems to my parents. One year from now, i would have the phrase "teen" removed from my life for good.

So doesn't all that makes me an adult?

But then again, there's the other side of me. The other me who still enjoys watching cartoons and can't live without Disney Channel or Nickelodeon. I still can't do house chores properly, let alone cook. I woke up late almost every no-class-mornings, which i know the behavior that my parents hate the most. I have also been told that I have a massive problem with procrastination and that i tend to settle my problems immaturely. Adding to my list of shameful traits are irresponsible, naughty, foolish, lazy, unwise in making decisions, etc.

So now what? Getting heavier on the "child" side?

Therefore instead of exaggerating this confusion in my head while chewing my dinner, i decided to just straight away ask my dad.

"Why are you laughing? I am an adult, no?"

He just gave me a smile and shook his head. As if he's ignoring my question in disbelief.

What lahhhhh???

And here i am, still confused. Oh well, maybe i'm a little bit of both.

How can i describe this... "Dipping my toes in the pool of adulthood, while desperately clinging to my teenage years for support."

Hmm yeah okay that'll do.

p/s: Technically speaking, i am still 18 till the very last two days of 2011. Cheers for a late birthday and having to pretend that i am 19 for almost one whole effin year! How's that for a little confusion.

In less than 24 hours i will be facing reality.

And it kinda bugs me. Having to end my two weeks of holidays (which i rarely get, and when i mean rarely, i do mean it in a hundred million years way) and starting to go back to the old routine of going to classes again really sucks big time.

I used to think that when i am off to college, i won't have this feeling again. You know, the feeling i get back then everytime i had to go back to the hostel. They don't have the exact word for this feeling. It's not homesick, no. Not even lazy, no that's not strong enough. Scared? Maybe, but still not quite getting to the point.

Bottom point is, it's "that" feeling.

And i have another feeling that's been interfering my usual self lately. It's pretty confusing. I have a "this" and "that" feeling that i can't even name. Does normal people have that? Or is that just me being weird and mentally ill?

Whatever.

Gets me LOL-ing

How I Met Your Mother

Awkward

These are some serious funny shit! They're currently keeping me company during my holiday. Oh, and i've been playing Sims too.

And apparently playing Sims is a crime. Or so i was told.....

Because i should be studying.

HAHAHAHA I KNOW RIIIIGHT THAT WAS HILARIOUS OKAY YOU CAN STOP ROLLING ON THE FLOOR NOW.


p/s: This is just random but, how in the freakin hell do you tell the story of how you met the girl you married in SEVEN BLOODY SEASONS (and counting) ??

Random updates

1. It's been what? The 8th day of Raya already? My Raya was just ordinary, nothing out of the norm. The usual trip to kpg, the usual open house, the usual visits to friends and families' houses. I don't get a lot of duit Raya this year, maybe because i don't look like the cute 5-year old i was anymore. Who the hell created the theory that the older we get, the lesser money we shall receive?? I don't see 5 year olds worrying about money-related problems like fuel prices. Or paying for food. Or the new top at Forever 21.

2. One thing i learnt at kampung is that, the mak ciks there can be so nosy. Especially when you're a lady, or as what they call "anak dara". They always want to know what you're up to, and apparently not being in the kitchen 24/7 seems like a crime. You'll make it worse if they found you sitting in the living room watching MTV. And boy, do they gossip.

3. My parents seems to be getting quite a shock now that i am friends with guys. Not that i never had one before, it's just that all this while when i was in school they assumed that my friends were all girls. Since i studied in an all-girls school. Little did they know that back then we have this thing called "socializing" and we have this magical sites called "Myspace" & "YM" to get us connected. So now, when i'm out of school and suddenly getting rides or going to the movies with some guy, they'd think that i'm dating. Oh my parents give me headaches. I need to tell them that not all guys are my future husband.

4. My laptop is currently being such a pain in the ass and i am sending it for repair. I am now typing this post on my house's PC and let me tell you, the process was not easy. I had to wrestle the little monsters who; one wants to play some Facebook game and the other wants to laugh at some stupid video on Youtube.

5. I have been watching a lot of malay movies on the television lately. Since that's all the TV's been showing right now. Oh well, i don't really mind since i am kinda embracing the Raya spirit. Some were good, but some were not so. What is it with malay movies and stupid (and supposed to be funny?) ghosts?? Or, if it isn't that, it'll be some anak derhaka begging for forgiveness from their parents on pagi raya. Come on Malaysians, be more creative.

6. While i am typing this, i am also watching Camp Rock. Man, i forgot how hot Joe Jonas was. I used to have a huge crush on him when i was a teenager. I'd forked out money just to buy the latest Tiger Beat magazine (which costs a fortune for a 14-year old kid) just so that i can get a hold on Joe's poster. Ahh puppy love.

7. This month will be the return of the TV shows as i called it. My favourite TV shows are resuming for their new season starting next week and you bet i am psyched! Pretty Little Liars just went on hiatus last week and i am currently moping around and having a hard time accepting the fact that i don't have anything to look forward to every Wednesday anymore. But i guess my pain will soon go away. Vampire Diaries and Glee will be back soon, and i am welcoming a new TV show to my group of favourites, which is New Girl. Zooey Deschanel will be in it so there's no doubt it'll be awesome. However, i have to wait for another month for Chuck's 5th season (and sadly it's the last). How will Stefan cope with his new life as a killer? Will Sam continue to date Mercedes? Would Morgan be a better Intersect than Chuck? F it i really can't wait.

8. A lot of my friends have been tweeting that they want to perform the puasa enam during this Syawal. Well here's one news i am ashamed to admit. I have never done puasa enam. Nope. Not once in my long 19 years of life living as a Muslim. Thinking of doing it this year, even better now while i am still in Sarawak, where the maghrib comes earlier. But then again, i am having back pain these couple of days, a sign that my time of month is coming. Hmm

9. These days i am feeling left out. Maybe it's because i'm far away from everyone, meaning my friends, so i'm having this stupid irrational thoughts. Thoughts saying that i am not important and don't mean a thing to anyone. And sometimes i have thoughts saying that i am just a someone to go to when they're happy. Kinda like.... an accessory. Never a need. It made me realize that all this while i have never found someone that makes me feel that i am their number one. I don't know, maybe i have? But i just don't feel it. Wait, ignore this whole paragraph. I think this is my PMS mode doing the writing.

10. I can't wait to celebrate raya with my friends, but my heart tells me that i am not ready for college. For life. How i wish i can go back ten years ago, when school was such a joy and i have my family and friends near me.

Lisa (bukan Lisa Surihani)

Ini kisah Lisa (bukan Lisa Surihani). Seperti yang diimpikan gadis gadis lain, cerita Lisa berakhir dengan happily ever after.

Okay. Mula.

Lisa, seorang gadis 17 tahun yang datang dari keluarga kaya raya. Sering diburu jejaka jejaka kerana hartanya, atau mungkin kerana mereka salah sangka Lisa adalah Lisa Surihani. Hidup Lisa dari luaran mungkin nampak bahagia, tapi hakikatnya, saat ini Lisa sedang meringkuk gaya posisi featus dalam kandungan ibu di atas katilnya. Tangan di kepala, menutup kedua telinga. Bising. Mama papanya bertekak di luar. Bising.

Lisa tutup mata, sorok muka dalam bantal.

*****

"Lisa kau sedih?"

"Tak Ash. Sebab itu aku menangis. Sebab aku tak sedih."

"Tipu."

"Memang."

*****

Lamunan Lisa terganggu dengan text message yang baru diterimanya. Nice. Text daripada Suri mengatakan Ali on the way ke rumah aku. Ali, seorang lelaki kacak berumur 17 tahun yang juga merupakan anak orang kaya kaya. Ali, boyfriend aku yang abusive.

Aku sentuh parut di pipiku (buatan Ali) dan pejam kembali mata.

*****

"Kau tengok atas tu. Bintang itu namanya Nashira."

"Kau memang tak peduli kan bila aku sedih."

"Nashira tu maksudnya the lucky one. Aku beri kau bintang tu, moga hidup kau dipenuhi dengan tuah."

"Masalahnya hidup aku dah fucked up gila. Kau untunglah Ash. Abah umi kau sayang kau. Mama papa aku cuma anggap aku satu kegagalan. Anak sial, mereka panggil aku."

"Sebab itu aku bagi kau bintang, Lisa. Aku nak kau sentiasa lucky in the future. Mama papa kau bodoh. Apa mereka cakap semua bodoh."

"Haha. Kau pun bodoh sama. Bagi aku bintang konon. What kind of bullshit is that?"

*****

Telefon Lisa berdering, mengacau lagi lamunan Lisa. Ahhh Suri lagi. Lisa tekan reject, seminit kemudian berdering lagi. Reject, berdering lagi.

"Kau nak apa ni Suri. I need to be alone."

"Lisa, kau kena lari. Ali mengamuk. Dia nak datang rumah kau. Dia.. dia ada pisau. Dia mengamuk kau bagitahu mak bapak dia pasal kerja setan dia jual dadah."

Crash! Bunyi pinggan pecah. Masih bising lagi di luar, belum ada perubahan. Rancak mama dan papa Lisa bergaduh malam ni. Lisa jadi takut mendengar kata kata Suri, jadi sedih mendengar pertelingkahan mama dan papanya. Lisa takut.

Lisa perlukan Ash.

Tapi mustahil, bukan? Kerana Ash, kawan baiknya sejak kecil, sudah meninggal enam bulan yang lepas.

*****

"Kalau aku ada masalah kan Lisa, aku selalu cerita dekat bintang aku. Tu, tu bintang aku. Namanya Solaris. Solaris ni bintang paling terang. Jadi lain kali kalau kau ada masalah, bila kau rasa macam shit is everywhere, kau cari bintang kau Nashira tu. Bintang will always be there for you. Bintang sentiasa terang, sentiasa ada. Kau cuma perlu dongak. Atau kalau kau nak, kau boleh cari bintang aku, Solaris. I dont mind sharing. Haha."

"Tapi masalah aku tak akan lari kan?"

"Mungkin tak. Tapi kau sendiri boleh lari seketika. Kau baring, macam ni."

Ash baring di atas jalan tar, dan ditariknya Lisa.

"Lepastu kau cari bintang kau. Bila jumpa, kau pejam mata. Kau akan rasa macam dekat syurga. Rasa tak?"

"Rasa."

*****

Sepantas kilat Lisa keluar dari biliknya. Dilihat tangan papanya berdarah, dan mama sedang menangis. Tapi dia tidak peduli, dia terus keluar. Di luar, Lisa nampak kereta Ali di hujung jalan, menuju ke rumahnya. Jelas kelihatan Ali kemarahan. Tapi Lisa tidak peduli. Lisa teruskan berlari, berkaki ayam.

Lisa lari jauh jauh. Jauh sampai kakinya lenguh. Jauh sampai dia rasa sunyi.

Kemudian Lisa baring. Baring di atas jalan tar. Lisa perlu cari Ash. Lisa mahu cari Solaris dan bukannya Nashira. Jumpa! Lisa tutup mata dan mengharapkan untuk lari ke syurga.

Tidak perasan pula Lisa ada lori muatan berat datang ke arahnya dengan kadar kelajuan yang agak sukar untuk brake di saat akhir. Lisa digilis, kepalanya di seberang jalan.

"Hey Lisa, Ash ni. Buka mata. You're in heaven now. You made it."

Told ya it's a happy ending.